I have a doctor appointment on Friday. I am still having trouble coping with the death of that little boy. I am kind of reluctant to go to the doctor and tell her about it. I keep thinking that she will think I am overreacting. Why do I continue to mourn so deeply for a child I never knew? In a week it will have been a month since the school shooting, and I still think about him every single day. It still wrenches my heart and brings me to tears.
In the past almost 5 years, I can’t really remember a day when I haven’t been in a state of anxiety. Either mild, dull, or extreme. I seem to see-saw between fear and terror. Every single day. I am never truly happy. Just varying degrees of contentment, periods where I am absorbed in something enough that I forget my endless worries. Usually my escape is books. I go through an insane amount of reading material on a weekly basis. Someday I will just have to get rid of all my stuff and use books to make up my furniture. Another escape is video games, though lately it has only been one video game in particular, Skyrim. The TV series, Game of Thrones, has been another source of comfort. Anything that deals with the distant past, or fantasy, is really up my ally.
Sometimes I wish I hadn’t been born with a morbid streak. Maybe I would be able to get over this tragedy a lot easier, if I could keep my mind away from the horrible aspects of what happened, during the shooting, and the emptiness after. It is so hard and devastating to picture a child buried in the cold, unyielding, sleeping earth a week or so before Christmas; but my mind can’t seem to move away from it. It’s like a scab that just begs to be picked. I can’t help myself.
I am exhausted, and sad, and feeling guilty for something I would of had no control over, for a child I don’t know. Why did all those children have to die? If only the gunman would of stuck to himself, and left everyone else alone. If you want to die, fine. Don’t take innocent children with you. I just want to lay down and sleep for a long while, until I feel better, or something.